Hie there….
Last week we tackled part 1 on this topic of breakups and we basically discussed about one of the major causes of breakups, if you missed it get it here https://wp.me/pbpVs3-L . Today I would like us to build on what I started and try to wind up this topic.
How do you manage and heal from a break up????
So breakup ija yachitika and emotions are all over: pain, anger, sadness, depression, anxiety, frustrations and all that you can think of. All these follow as you’re trying to understand what just happened? Was it all fake? Maybe it was done on wrong timing…. Talk of the finances and all those resources wasted on this person at the same time trying to figure out how exactly to get past the experience and how to deal with people’s reactions about the breakup ( nde mukhale munali couple crush ya anthu ambiri kkk lol). Thinking about all these may cause headaches, insomnia, ndizizake zotero.
The biggest question now is “How do we manage this situation and eventually heal?”
Having said all this, let’s get to it, LET’S TALK ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Acceptance
Acceptance is key to navigating most negative situations in life. The earlier we accept a situation, the easier it becomes to find a possible solution or plan B. Denial is what’s killing most people and eventually delays oneself from healing and living a happy health life.
Happiness can only exist in acceptance – Georg Orwell
So in the case of a breakup, it is very important to accept the reality at hand; yes it’s over now, what’s next? In such situations mostly we fail to understand the reality at hand, we’ve so many questions but it’s equally fair to tell oneself that denial just won’t bring back the person, time to accept and move on.
Now I know this is easier said than done, trust me I have been there. It took me over 5 months to fully accept that it was over with my ex-girlfriend. Oh, I think I haven’t shared the story with you guys, let’s rewind a bit.
Second quarter of 2018 my relationship started sinking, but the boy was too much in love he didn’t want to jump out of the boat. Things got real in November and a breakup was inevitable. The breakup was easy but the healing was a lot more hard on me not sure of the other side since my friend had already been out of the relationship 5 months earlier, but didn’t have the guts to call it quits (you know what ladies do when they don’t want to end the things but want you to get the messages). Funny thing was the message was crystal clear, but I just wasn’t ready to accept it, so I kept forcing things. I mean what do you expect from a boy who is in love? lol. So 5 months went by and I was still telling myself weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning, “there is light at the end of the tunnel”, little did I know the so called “light at the end of the tunnel” was only a fast train coming for me. So November I had to gather the courage and went head-on with the train, accept my fate and start over but this time around, just me and God lol… Single again.Throughout this process, I discovered something that’s killing most youngsters. If you ask me, I will tell you that one of the reasons why it took me a lot of time to accept the situation was “what will people say” kind of thoughts. This is one of the biggest reasons why most people are stuck and subsequently delay both the breakup and the healing process. Let me just go ahead and say that this thinking is toxic and the most dangerous place you can ever put yourself in. Don’t let people’s thoughts keep you from your joy and happiness. When I realized this, I decided to pursue my happiness, of course I had to deal with the “what happened” question. Another annoying question you will have to deal with after a breakup and people still posting you as couple crush for over 5 months, ndinangowasiya kuti kaziyikani, mukazaziwa mudzakhumudwa nokha.haha.
Cry over it
We are not robots but rather human beings with feelings prone to hurt. When these feeling are injured, we need to release this pain…. OK let’s be honest here, there’s absolutely no way you can heal from something by simply sitting on it, NEVER!!
While some release this pain by talking to other people, others find comfort in simply crying. Yes Crying! To some this is associated with “being weak” but others, believe it or not, find so much comfort is shedding tears. And today I want to tell you that it is very OK to cry; release that pain, anger, sorrow, depression together with the tears if that’s what you need to heal. Just don’t overdo the “crying” so much so that it eventually defines you. However, be mindful of whom exactly you shed tears for, not everything or everyone is worth your tears.
Forgive
Breakups are never palatable, they come with all sorts of pains, grief and frustrations. Getting over this pain demands more than having people around to tell you everything will be alright. But I have discovered the key to heal from such emotional pain. FORGIVENESS!! Ever heard of forgiveness is the key to forgetting? You’re only hurting yourself if you keep telling yourself you can’t forgive them for what they did to you. Yes they treated you so bad but they don’t have the power to control you anymore. Forgive them and forget them. Let me clarify this by sharing a testimony. So a friend of mine, Chikondi (the name is only characterized) went through this breakup and healing process. Here is her story….
Let me start by saying, Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him from them all (Psalms 34:19). A breakup is an unpleasant thing, an unwanted experience and that’s why I have related it to an affliction in the biblical context.
I dated for four years, got engaged in the process. But we broke up. I had to ask myself why it had to happen that way. What did I do or did not do that led to “it’s over?”
I cried, I vented, I explained myself! But that was to God and not to man. I remember saying these words to God “it’s over! I have returned the ring! I can’t pray anymore! I am so broken!” All this with tears in my eyes. Tell you what, I was so broken….
I resorted to stay in the presence of God and allow Him to show me the way. I studied the word, New Testament to be specific. I fasted frequently, confessing, dedicating my life to God as a “single” lady again. It was so beautiful!
I still felt empty at times because my partner had cut contact with me in a way I never expected so that as much as I wanted to vent my anger on him I just couldn’t. So I told God I needed complete healing. He literally spoke to me about FORGIVENESS. He told me it was high time I forgave my ex. And that I should let him know that I forgave him. That was weird so to say but God told me that in forgiveness, you don’t wait for someone to say sorry, you do it regardless of whether you think the person deserves it or not! So He instructed me to send him a message of forgiveness. I obeyed! I did it! And guess what? That was the key to my healing door, I walked straight to it and Five months down the line, here I am very peaceful and happy again. SURVIVOR!!!! Exactly what I call myself.
Finally as a side note, it’s all in your hands to forgive and move on with that person, or to forgive and let go. Most importantly ask God for guidance so you can make the right decision. But the bottom line is you have to forgive. That’s the only way to heal and find the good in a good bye. Remember: “All things work together for good to those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose” Romans 8:28.
Keep yourself preoccupied and proactive
Acceptance alone is not enough, chances are high you might find yourself thinking about your ex or just the break up , or even trying to call and link up with them. This is why it is very necessary that after the breakup and acceptance has happened, you should get busy with something. If you don’t keep yourself busy, your brain will keep you busy by magnifying the issue at hand. Even the Bible says an empty mind is the devils workshop. And the devil will make sure you’re depressed by bringing you memories and all. Keeping yourself busy and proactive with work, school, talent, church, business etc is the next best thing you can do in your life after a breakup. Now please get me right here, am not saying mask your pain and frustration by getting busy No! During your healing process, make sure you’re carrying yourself with same energy as the day she said yes or the day you said yes. Yes breakups drain some energy but look past the hurt and focus on the lessons. By being busy with other things will help you to quicken the healing process. In no time you will find out that you’re no longer having the same pain or getting mad at the mention of your ex’s name or when you bump into their pics/post on social media.
For my guy Ndime, he got pre-occupied with music after his 4-year relationship went all messy and he ended up releases an album titled Love and Relationships which is one of his best works ever. But he couldn’t have done this if the breakup had not happened, thus it is very important to manage breakups with a sound and mature mind. Yes, these moments are not in inch near bed of roses but out of those painful moments, you can choose to build some amazing products that the world can appreciate. Never lose sight of one’s value because of a breakup, take breakups as makeup for actualization of destinies.
Create your own timeframe
Another interesting thing that you are more likely to experience after a breakup is having people projecting your healing period, trying to rush you back in the game. Don’t fall for this trap, remember that healing is a process and it varies from one person to the next all based on the depth of the wound and how you choose to treat the whole experience. Last week I talked about the 3 inch wound that president Garfield sustained but later turned to 20-inch-wound by his doctors. Don’t let these so called love doctors project your healing period but rather create your own. However let me also point out that you don’t need to rush your own timeframe, bammmm!! You didn’t see that one coming right? Remember when we were kids and got ill for some days and couldn’t go out to play with our friends and we faked being okay so we shouldn’t stay home all day? Remember how we were pushing this so hard only to come back in the evening worse than way we were before? Well don’t let that be the case with your emotional healing. Last week I also talked about nursing undefined wounds. Basically, when you rush your timeframe to get back on the horse, you’re simply exposing your unhealed wound to more infections and believe me it never ends well.
In a random conversation this week a lady friend said: “Lately I have been getting pressure from people about how am deliberately delaying my own healing. On my part I thought it’s equally wise to heal based on my timeframe and not to pretend that I have healed when I haven’t”.
Stay away from ghosts
Two things are likely to happen after a breakup and during your healing process. You can either hate every member of the opposite sex or dub them trash or you are likely to play a rebound very quick (the latter is mostly the case). I know of people that have hated everything about men/women after a breakup and I also know many others who ended up in 5 different relationships after a breakup. Ghosts are likely to appear soon after a breakup and you need to guard yourself from them.
Note: there are two types of ghost’s; “Innocent ghosts” and “Scooby doo ghosts”
The innocent ghost come as brothers/sisters in Christ who are about to stand with you in your hard times, with no ill intentions at all. You find closure in them and you can always count on them for emotional support and innocently before you know it, feelings start to develop again and the inevitable follows.
The Scooby doo ghost however, awa nde ndima khuluku. They come with a motive after sensing some weaknesses and they maximize that. They will intentionally con you into falling for them, but as guessed they don’t stay after their mission is completed.
What am I saying? Your heart is likely to get carried away by anything during your healing process. Don’t let people use you because of your vulnerability, rather stay away from ghosts. Don’t let every nice complement get to you, every kind gesture basi mwatengeka. Trust me I know how nice it feels to be complemented and made feel special again after a breakup. Guard your heart, not every nice person has nice intentions.
Find a Jam
Now this point is funny but amazing, it is very essential that you have a jam in that breakup fortnight. Like who wants to be sad, depressed and alone without any therapy? Music is always the best therapy in this season. Am not saying listen to sad song and cry yourself to death. There are motivational, inspirational songs that these blessed artists have done that can always fit such situations and lifts up our souls. You’ll hear people “this song carried me through,” such kind of songs.
For David kalirani “it’s gonna get better” and Travis Greene “intentional” did the magic. I was always being encouraged by the testimonies by pastor D, it does get better and Travis was like yo David everything, the storms, the trials and the hardships (physical and emotional) that you’re experiencing right now are not happening to you, rather they are happening for you because we serve a God who is intentional and always causes us to triumph. A year down the line not only is it better but awesome and I triumphed over all drama
Remember that God is at the center of all healings
I always say that Christians have a better stand in dealing with breakups and healing because we believe in the supernatural (prayer), we believe there’s hope for the hopeless and life for the dying. Even when we feel hopelessness, we always know that God’s got us and we will be alright. Well this is also easier said than done, you would be surprised how prayer warriors tremble at a battle with breakups, as if they are not the same people fasting 40 days and battling real supernatural and natural battles, ka breakup nka chani?.
I am not saying prayer will automatically make the pain and all emotional drama that comes with breakups automatically vanish. You will experience these things but you will experience them differently than without prayer. For me, my breakup came at a time when I was already traumatized by family drama. The breakup was like the final blow that was supposed to take my life. Trust me I thought of that countless times but because I prayed about it, I handled my breakup differently. That is what prayer/God does. He wants us healed and at peace at all times.
For me it took prayer for my breakup to happen and a whole lot of prayer for my healing to happen because I was healing from two emotional wounds. I remember the breakup itself ended in prayer. So after clinging to something that wasn’t working for about 5 months, I had to pray to be released. (Remember relationships are soul ties, we start them with God we end them with God) so I had my 2-hour prayer session at that garden then Went kwawo around 4pm talked about the issues, she escorted me pa depo and I remember holding hands pamene paja, and I said a very powerful prayer mmmmhh, that was the last day I saw her. I went home, tuned in to Travis Greene, called best friend and the rest is history. A week later I got into a fasting, I prayed for peace and order because this time around my life was in limbo. I felt the aftermaths of this final blow and if not for God, mukanawerenga suicide note. (I even had the perfect way to do it…lol)
I want you to understand something, God knows everyone and everything in this world. He knows you and everything you’re going through. I know how messy it gets, the name calling and all. But God still looks at this person and say “That’s my son/daughter you’re talking about”. This is why we ought to handle breakups with sound mind and maturity, zolalatilana zija zimangochitika but it’s not supposed to be like that … hahahaha.
Give God a chance to fix you, He’s the only one who understand just how much healing you need, He is the only one who can fix your broken heart and make you complete again.
A year later after all the heartache, I look back and go like “really”, this is what was stressing me? I am forever grateful the process I had to go through to heal from that emotional trauma.
I’m hoping that after reading this, you will handle that situation better, you will think twice before you make any wrong choice knowing that you’re not the first one to go through that.
I hope you find the good in a “goodbye” just like I did……
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